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I have a deep admiration for anyone who can communicate adequately or otherwise in a second language, much less deal with all the challenges and apparent multiple meanings behind the mixing pot that comprises the English language. My hat is off to you, having learned that this is a second-language attempt.
Unfortunately, Niner, it would take a LOT of bandwidth to get into answering the question you ask: “How could I re-write this in a more gripping way?” I sincerely believe that if you joined and researched the NaNoWriMo site you’d find a boatload of people with common interests who would share their opinions with you. Also, check out this Twitter entity for more resource potential @AuthorToAuthor I follow them and occasional visit a link they suggest for some tidbit of info about the writing industry as a whole.