Help with story

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    • #44372
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      Hi and happy thanksgiving. I had a account here before but forgot my username and password, its been a long time. I am currently writing a photo story, and I needed someone to help me proofread it. I want to know If I told the story right and that it make sense.

      Sorry but i can’t upload the picture, but here is the story

      <p style=”margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px Helvetica;”>I recall my biggest firefight being very nerve racking. I came back “home” (to base) and my fingers felt sore. I took my gloves off, and discover blood on all the edges of my finger nails. It was caused by me griping my weapon handle so hard. When the firefight kicked off I reacted and my mind clicked. the thought going through my head was “this is really happening” which was three hours into the fight. based off of previous encounters with the insurgents we were never expecting an all out battle like that day. I was a grenadier at the time, and each grenadier carries at least twelve “High Explosive” rounds for the m203 launcher. Our objectives was to destroy a couple of known weapons cache, and meet a suspected Taliban leader. We accomplish destroying the weapon sights, and was preparing for the second half of the mission. As we moved out of our concealment, from the tree line, out in the open tall grass to our objective, we got ambushed from the rear (how lucky of my squad to be rear element that day). They waited until we cleared the tree line at about 100meters past? They then all line up under the SAME concealment we were in earlier. Knowing we have minimum coverage, the enemy open up with small armed fired, which include AK47, and PKM. Bullets crack over my head I immediately turned back, and I remember seeing muzzle flashes and poofs of dirt from the ground about 100 meters away then I started seeing the bullets hitting the ground crawling towards me. It stop short before it actually hits me. I just dove into the tall grass low crawling towards the fire trying to find my team-leader. good thing about being spread out is that you make a harder target for the enemy but when you do get in a tic its easy to get lost in the chaos. So at that point in time I’ve broken contact with my team-leader. I crawled to a spot where I had somewhat of a cover, and a view of the origin of the ambushed, than I just started shooting anything that moves in the tree line. While I was returning fire, I heard SSG Brukhart (my ex squad leader) yelling “HE’S STABLE I PUT A TOURNIQUET ON HIM!!!”. Now I knew someone just got shot. I poke my head up over the tall grass and I saw SGT Uzi my current squad leader, hobbling over a near by house for concealment with the help of SSG Brukhart. As serious as the situation was? the scene I witness was somewhat humorous; SGT Uzi was hobbling while providing suppressing fire, firing his m4 with one hand at the hip like a madman screaming on the top of his lung “YOU ********UCKER!!! YOU *******UCKER!!! YOU SHOT ME!! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!! YOU *******UCKER!!! while SSG Brukhart struggling to assist this energetic injured man to a safe cover. I expended all twelve H.E. rounds and 3 magazines during that first duration of the fight. After everything calmed down and SGT UZI was MEDEVAC. We regroup, took all the ammunition we have and distributed them evenly within the platoon. I received six more H.E. rounds. After that we swept through the ambush sights basically trying to chased down the ones that got away. They were lingering around the area. We were trying to be as quiet as we can in those woods, because we came close enough to hear them taking shots and shooting RPG at the gunship flying over head. We were quite surprise with how they fought today. They usually fear the air support. As we close in on them, the order came down from higher up saying we need to continue the original objective so we abandon that opportunity to kill more Taliban. Which was a mistake. Because when we pull back, we exit the same way where we got ambushed. So we stupidly walked into the same trap. It was like deja vu. I figure it would be wise to conserve my ammo. They also attempt to flank us this time around fortunately it was unsuccessful. Thanks to CAS (Combat/Close Air Support) constantly doing “Gun Run” (Gunship fly in low on the target and just light shit up). It is an intimidating asset we have. The first time I ever saw a “gun run”, it happen close by. I thought the enemy was shooting at us. My thoughts was “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ?!? I had no idea they were capable of that!”. Then my team-leader told me to relax and that it was only CAS clearing the area (now I know how the enemy feel when CAS shows up at the scene). While we were receiving contact the “over watch” element was also pin down. While they are pin down with heavy small arm fire, they were being bracketed in with enemy mortar round (method of firing mortars. By dropping and raising the mortar tube so that rounds land left, right, left, right drawing in closer to the target every time. Thus limiting the target from movement while the mortar-man continue to adjust the mortar tube closer to the target. This is call “Successive Bracketing). During this time we received our second casualty SGT Murphy. I was not on the over watch so I have no detail on that. But I definitely saw mortar flying in towards them. We continue fighting on through after SGT Murphy was MEDEVAC. Eventually higher up decides we’re not making any progress and that the best option is to return to base. We basically got ran out of town that day. I was out of grenade, and almost out of m4 rounds anyway(18 grenades, and about 170 rounds of 5.56 that I expended). Higher up almost made a decision to resupply our elements, I would of really hate life then. I was so exhausted that day. Even with CAS over head they still shooting at us so we had to stop, return fire, pick up, and move. We were constantly returning fire and bounding back trying to break contact. But the enemy is persistent. Basically we continuously bounding back until CO decide to call in for an air extract and thank god it got approved. My body was destroyed. On the way to the pickup sight, to our right flank I saw a jet flying really low towards us over a mud building and just blew it up. I’m guessing they were planning to attacked us again. Never thought the day would be this exciting when I woke up that morning. We found out the next day why they were so pissed off, after the identifications of the dead bodies. Apparently we killed one of their commander. My CO actually lost his cell phone out there, and the enemy got a hold of it. No one allow to have cell phone except Plt SGT and above. The phone was only use if its absolutely necessary because it was an unsecured line, this is in case if our “NET” was down. It wasn’t too much of a sensitive item but they did call everyone in the directory. The caller introduce himself as second in command, threaten death to all Americans. The anonymous caller called SGT Ross, and he replied “*********cker I’m sleeping! don’t you know what the *******cking time is?!? Shut the **** up!.” and just hung up. Everyone got a kick out of that.

    • #185815
      AvatarEarlC
      Member

      I’m not really sure this forum is the place to go for FREE editing services. I almost WANTED to read the entire thing, but THAT much dense copy was simply beyond my curiosity level, and I AM a writer and career journalist. I edit, but I also PAY for the editing I have done for my longer works.

      I can tell you that, at first glance and glossing over some of your copy (I’m also a speed reader and consume books and magazines, as well as blog articles and other information at a rate that most people would not appreciate) you have a considerable amount of re-writing to consider before paying someone to proof and edit.

      That being said, don’t despair, none of us started out writing perfect anything and a very rare few ever got it right on the first write (no pun intended). Do continue, but just keep in mind that you’re going to need friends, family and others to read your stuff first, then branch out to other professionals in writing, not video, if you want to obtain editing assistance, free or otherwise.

      Just saying …

      HINT: Check out National Novel Writing Month to join a group of others who are in your position and seeking to write seriously or otherwise. They have a program where people join on to see if they can finish a novel in one month. It’s held each November but the membership and friends are ongoing. Might be a good fit for you.

    • #185816
      AvatarAnonymous
      Guest

      I am terrible at writing. English is my second language. I wasn’t trying to make a novel or do anything fancy. I was simply telling an event that happen. How could I re-write this in a more griping way?

    • #185817
      AvatarEarlC
      Member

      I have a deep admiration for anyone who can communicate adequately or otherwise in a second language, much less deal with all the challenges and apparent multiple meanings behind the mixing pot that comprises the English language. My hat is off to you, having learned that this is a second-language attempt.

      Unfortunately, Niner, it would take a LOT of bandwidth to get into answering the question you ask: “How could I re-write this in a more gripping way?” I sincerely believe that if you joined and researched the NaNoWriMo site you’d find a boatload of people with common interests who would share their opinions with you. Also, check out this Twitter entity for more resource potential @AuthorToAuthor I follow them and occasional visit a link they suggest for some tidbit of info about the writing industry as a whole.

    • #185818
      AvatarJeffrey
      Participant

      Interesting site, Earl. Good suggestion.

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