Anatomy of a Vidiot

by Pat Bailey
November 2003

Some folks achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them and some, well, some just never quite make it. We've all heard the success stories of Hitchcock, Spielberg and Truffaut, but what about the unsung heroes and the underdogs? Where are their great tales of mediocrity?

Our crack fact-finding team of research experts labored for a good 45 minutes without food, drink or sleep in order to bring you what we consider the most scientifically and sociologically significant news since the invention of green ketchup. Yes, we've stepped on corporate toes, paid off countless politicians and lost a considerable amount of self-respect in order to bring you: The Anatomy of a Vidiot. It's good to laugh at ourselves once in awhile. We hope you enjoy this good-natured poke at the Vidiot in all of us.

(1) White T-shirt - Usually picked up as a free giveaway at a consumer electronics tradeshow, this would be great for emergency white balancing, if it was clean. The T-shirt is more often used to wipe dust and dirt from the lens.

(2) Camera-shaped Tan Line - Typically located around the right eye, as the Vidiot sees the bulk of his vacation through the viewfinder.

(3) Expensive Camcorder - Typically costing more than the Vidiot's car, the camcorder is effectively used by the Vidiot to capture extremely high-quality boredom, which invariably get passed off on friends and neighbors as landmark cinematic events.

(4) Tripod - This item spends most of its time in closets and car trunks, which explains why the Vidiot's movies appear to have been shot from the back of a mechanical bull.

(5) Bowling Brace - Worn on the right wrist to help promote steady handheld camera work. Left on the wrist to assist in picking up those 7-10 splits at his Friday night league.

(6) Duct Tape - Used for attaching his microphone to the broomstick (patent pending), taping down cables, and in extreme cases, persuading noisy on-lookers to keep their big mouths shut while he is recording.

(7) Yellow Halogen Shop Light - Lighting comes courtesy of the local Home Improvement store. While the color temperature is always correct, his subjects occasionally have bar-like shadows across their faces.

(8) Gear Bag - An old gym bag now grossly over-decorated with popular video product logos (so as not to be confused for a “man-purse”), the Vidiot's gear bag is haphazardly packed allowing expensive equipment and lenses to be jostled and bumped almost constantly.

(9) Shotgun Mike on Broom Handle Boom Pole - The Vidiot knows that audio is an important part of video, so he has invested in the best shotgun microphone he can afford. He is also resourceful. With no money left for a boom pole, he fashions a makeshift boom from a broom handle.

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